Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
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Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.