Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
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If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her