“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
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Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
bro what is going on at twitter
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat