[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
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Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Going to church you guys need anything
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
2022 be like
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!