My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
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[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
What if all the cashiers are married?
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.