I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
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Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona