“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
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I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”