Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
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I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
mood
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year