Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
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Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
What about second breakfast?