At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
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Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.