Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I put the h in mysterious.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
brian had himself a morning…
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.