[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
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Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.