Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
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Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.