I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
This classic never gets old . . .
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
a badder mouse
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.