My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
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Computer: shutting down
Me: same
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol