ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
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Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Sticker placement is key.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”