I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
You Might Also Like
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.