Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
You Might Also Like
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**