I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.