VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?