Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.