My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
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Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human