So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
My work here is don’t.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros