The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
i鈥檓 taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
can鈥檛 believe I got front row seats
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 馃鈿★笍
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 馃榿
Losing 馃槻
my ex boyfriend鈥檚 cousin鈥檚 girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I鈥檝e still got the juice 馃槑
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords