You Might Also Like
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
pat pat
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.