“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
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Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Overindulged this afternoon.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée