tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
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20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Hmmmmm
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.