The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
grotesque if literal: baby food
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
work smarter, not harder
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.