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At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
It do be feeling this way.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.