In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.