I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?