My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
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My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.