[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
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Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.