The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
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Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
S M O L
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I’m crying im so happy for them
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My inexpensive home security system…