G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
You Might Also Like
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing