When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
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My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
#have a #great #PancakeDay
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
“you recording!?”
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.