Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
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Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
This a good idea
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”