Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
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There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
put ‘er there pardner!
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.