When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
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Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”