Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
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I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.