Baking is just science you can eat.
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69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.