Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
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I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.