Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
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4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I am patiently waiting for your email
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?