*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
You Might Also Like
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
tis the season
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
The two types of wives