You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
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Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
this is what they would have looked like, though
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream