CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
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judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
need him
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN