Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
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You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.