you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
so much to do
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.