My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
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Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“you changed” bro i was 15