Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
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Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.